A while back I took
six months out of paid work to focus on my well-being. Or, as I saw it then, to stop
feeling rotten all the time.
Life had been
overwhelming, family needs had been complex, work had been deflating, my house
was cluttered and unclean, projects sat neglected. I had been unrelentingly
busy. And my health, left on the back
burner, gradually but inexorably boiled over. A not uncommon story.
I hoped my well-being
might return with a complete rest. For some weeks, I did plenty of sitting
around; I sat and I read. Just read.
Luxurious. Then, for something completely different, I went on a snorkelling
holiday. Amazing.
When I returned, I
started on the mess of overdue tasks and chores and neglected projects nagging at me from every surface in my house. I wrote a long list and
gradually started to tick things off. My house became more pleasant as the
layers of dust disappeared. Satisfying.
I wasn't pushing
myself; I slept in, often staying in my PJs
till midday. I covered the basics: diet, sleep and exercise. I got back into
Pilates. I reconnected with friends. I relished wearing my comfortable draw-string white linen pants and loose t-shirts
around the house, the image of well-being.
But nearly three
months into my break, I felt edgy, maybe less exhausted, but definitely nothing
I like my idea of 'well-being'. And I felt like a failure: I had the luxury of not
having to work for a period without worrying about money, something that many
could not, but I still just felt bad.
It seemed I was just
no good at 'balance'. Being 'in the now' had never happened. When I thought about
my lack of zest, I felt anxious. And not once had I wanted to spring into the air on a beach with the sun as back-lighting.
I read books and websites that promoted well-being through self-care, mystical practices, detox retreats, various therapies, or exploring ideas
about being fully human. They promised a lot, but they mostly seemed like hype; and they were expensive. My years working in health services had fostered a strong scepticism about the health and wellbeing
'market'. I figured I would end up paying a small fortune for little benefit. But I kept reading randomly, not quite ready to accept that this bloated genre didn't have anything much for me.
My regular diary
writing had by this time morphed into a sort of well-being journal. Or maybe
more a 'Where the hell has my well-being gone?' journal. I wrote most
days.
One day, reading
back over earlier entries, I was struck by how frequently I criticised myself for not feeling better than I was. I was safe, physically well enough,
had financial security for the medium term and connected to some lovely humans.
I scolded myself about my lack of enthusiasm for life. I berated myself to just
relax. Underneath it all festered the guilt of my privilege at being able to
take time off work yet still feel rotten. Was I just one of the many affluent, self-focused and strangely unwell
Westerners?
This much was clear:
I should not be stressed about anything.
I should feel relaxed and good. But I
didn't. Was my well-being lost forever or just very weak from lack of practice or was there part of me I wasn't looking after? I just didn't know.
The answer came in
the final well-being book I read. In The Wellness Project, Phoebe Lapine, who has Hashimoto's disease, takes a year to review her diet,
her cosmetics and cleaners, her tendency to eat poorly and drink excessively to socialise, the problems
caused by her lack of organisation which she had always viewed as her natural
state, her pretence of being carefree to appear young or cool. Having 10 years on Phoebe, I thought, 'Got all that; I've been through that learning'.
So, the book told me
nothing new about how to foster well-being. But what struck me was the way the
author unpicked and unravelled much of what she had assumed were good ways to live. By discarding many ideas about
what makes a rich and satisfying life, she restored her sense of well-being.
Might the same
process of unpicking help me?
I started looking at
my ideas about well-being itself, and also the metaphors I had for
well-being.
When I imagined 'well-being' I saw myself starting the day with yoga practice in my comfortable white linen pants, then making peaceful transitions from stillness to meaningful activity and back, calmly attending to
my various tasks and other people throughout each day, not focusing on 'getting things done' but still being
productive and connected to others, and being fully in the moment, fully in each day, and finishing a satisfying day with meditation. Where did I get those ideas? Did they come from
magazines and social media? Did they come from the well-being market? How much of them were based on what I really need and want and would enjoy?
I started questioning whether my white linen pants were actually essential to my well-being.
In my journal writing, I dug into my subconscious metaphors for well-being. What kind of thing was 'well-being'? What did it actually mean not to 'have' well-being? Was it a thing I've lost? Part of myself I've neglected? A positive state I had buried under too many other things I wanted to achieve? Was it an illness of my core being? Undeveloped muscles of mindfulness and relaxation? Lack of balance in meeting my different needs?
When I realised all this I laughed out loud... with relief. I had borrowed and adopted an impossible conglomerate metaphor for well-being and then berated myself for not achieving it. I was metaphorically messing with my own well-being. When I wasn't in this 'state', there was something wrong with me. But really there was something wrong with my metaphor.
Unknowingly, I had
absorbed other people's images and metaphors for well-being. Someone
else had declared that 'calm' and 'balance' and 'level' were good to achieve. Good for
whom? Others had written books telling me which direction to take to achieve well-being. How could they possibly know what I needed?The impediment to my well-being had been my idea of what it was.
Once I stopped
trying to tick off a metaphorical well-being check list and ensuring I had the balance,
overlap or recipe right, while staying in the moment, and above all,
maintaining a sense of calm… well, I just felt a whole lot better.
I had not found or
achieved or strengthened or nurtured my well-being. I had instead abandoned my idea
of a state of balance which I would achieve once I worked out the
right direction to head or mix of activities and practices to adopt. I stopped seeing well-being as a
prescription from other people who knew way less about me than I did myself.
These days, I'm feeling pretty good and when I don't feel good, that's okay too.
These days, I'm feeling pretty good and when I don't feel good, that's okay too.
My
white linen pants are no longer a symbol of anything at all.
Images sources
All images used under Creative Commons
1. Jumping: https://leadinglearner.me/2013/10/23/5minwellbeingplan-by-leadinglearner-and-teachertoolkit/
2. Check list: https://www.salescoach.us/5-key-principles-of-successful-selling/
3. Venn: https://ianluntecology.com/2014/04/06/urban-biodiversity-human-well-beingrban-well-being/
4. See-saw: https://www.rcn.org.uk/news-and-events/blogs/six-weeks-notice-please-predictable-shift-patterns-are-key-to-wellbeing
5. Soup: https://smritidisaac.com/2015/02/02/bone-broth-soup-with-the-works-how-to-flood-your-home-with-the-aroma-of-warmth-and-wellbeing/
6. Rocks: http://www.tomcorsonknowles.com/blog/tips-for-a-well-balanced-life/
7. Beach: https://www.goodfreephotos.com/cache/people/man-sitting-on-the-beach-monochrome_800.jpg?cached=1552038495
8. Sign: http://plantothrive.net.au/
No comments:
Post a Comment
We would love to hear your comments. All comments are moderated - so after you have your say, click Publish (bottom left), then you should get a pop up about approval. If it is your first time commenting, you may get a Blogger site request to confirm your name which will be displayed with your comment. Fred or the other writers will do their best to get back to you in a day or two!