Douches and other bags

By Mike Lundy

A scumbag, a windbag and a douchebag walk into a bar.

Just a regular Thursday at my local. We regulars glance at the door as each arrives, dismay or resignation crossing many faces. If I see any of them arrive, I will try to escape. Sometimes, for a while, I can deflect them by looking really busy with my phone, but that is only ever temporary protection.

The scumbag (who sometimes brings his mate, the ratbag) - not so hard to protect against. Just never trust what he says, avoid shouting him drinks (unless you want to donate to his personal finances), and avoid making direct insults even in jest. He can be funny in a cynical, defeated, nasty sort of way. But he can suddenly turn, so it's best never to let your guard down. Finish the drink and then say, 'Okay, have a good night. Gotta see a friend about my car.'

The windbag - easier still; just try to steer the conversation to something you don't mind hearing about. At length. Escape is usually possible after a 'decency' period of about 10 minutes of listening to what is often little more than a whinge, without getting a word in. As you slide off the stool, slide in a quick, 'Oh well, shit happens. Gotta run, have to see a mate about my car.' 'You do seem to have a lot of trouble with that car.' 'Yeah, it keeps happening.'

Artwork by TheBeardedCavalier

But the douchebag. Ugg. Just grating. 

He boxes you in your seat standing too close with his arms akimbo. Even his popped collar is irritating. And he's not so easy to get rid of with reports of car trouble. The douchebag knows exactly what is wrong with my car, and insists on telling me how to repair it with step by step instructions, and also declares that I must be causing this problem by riding the clutch, but then adds that it is a known weakness in that model as the original design for those Japanese cars was never been fully tested in Australian conditions. Et. Bloody. Cet. Era.

He is so busy demonstrating his seemingly endless knowledge, he manages to totally ignore my body language screaming that I want to be just about anywhere else.

Eventually, one of the bar staff comes over to collect the empties and the douchebag is forced to move back by her intruding arm, so I slip through the space and start walking, speaking with my head turned back to my old, no longer comfortable seat, 'That might be handy that information. See ya next time.'

Next Thursday, I'll try the other pub.

What is it about the him? What makes the douchebag so utterly annoying? And why doesn't the douchebag know he is one?

We all know one or two, we can agree that SOMEONE ELSE is one, and we all know what a friend means when they say with some frustration, 'Oh, no, here comes Kelvin; he's such a douchebag.'

But what exactly is a douchebag?

Check out these definitions:

Merriam-Webster: an obnoxious, offensive or disgusting person

Oxford: a person, especially a man, that you find extremely unpleasant and offensive

Urban Dictionary 1: a person that does shitty, insensitive, and hurtful things without caring; often thinks highly of themselves

Urban Dictionary 2: generally refers to a male with a certain combination of obnoxious characteristics related to attitude, social ineptitude, public behaviour, or outward presentation

Overthinking it: usually assumes the form of a hair-gelling pretty-boy but can also be described as an overzealous, pompous, or vexatious asshole

Girls are Awesome: too manly while simultaneously lacking in maturity - basically someone acting like a boisterous frat boy

Wikipedia: an insult for a contemptible person (from the device for rinsing the vagina or anus)

Okay, there is no single clear definition. They are quite varied; some sources offer several options; Urban Dictionary has five more as well as the two above, all a bit different. Some definitions describe the behaviour of douchebag or refer vaguely to 'certain obnoxious' characteristics, but most just focus on how offensive and unpleasant they are to everyone else. Not really a feature that would distinguish the douchebag from the racist, the moralising prig, the guy who never washes. Or the scumbag, ratbag and windbag, for that matter. All unpleasant and often offensive.

Douchebag looks like a word in need of a proper definition.

Okay, we can start with the final example, and the mention of the device known as the douche bag - a bag to hold fluid to rinse the vagina or anus (douche being from French meaning 'to shower'). The douche bag has a medical function, holding fluid to flush out wounds, eyes, etc. The douche bag started its journey to the contemporary insult in the 1800s when the vaginal douche was introduced as a method of birth control, involving rinsing out the sperm after sex - ineffective as contraception as it turns out. The early douche solutions included salt, vinegar, chloride, zinc sulphite and aluminium potassium sulphite. Due to a US law passed in 1873 prohibiting any reference to sex at all, the douche was re-branded as a feminine hygiene product - and it is ineffective for that too. (Yet another example of a useless product which created its own 'market' by advertising, not need or effectiveness, and by manipulating fear or stigma.)

In reality, rinsing with vinegar or sulphites can damage the lining of the vagina, changing the pH and thus its ability to self-clean. Medical authorities recommend against routine vaginal douching. Anal douches or enemas are less potentially damaging to the skin of the rectum, but again, unless you need to speed up the removal of faecal matter, they are not needed for this self-maintaining part of the body.

Artwork by Tara Jacoby

So, the douchebag is literally a bag full of something unpleasant, potentially bad for you, that is pretty useless, and goes places it's not needed or wanted.

It's a good start. I definitely know some men like that.

But the word douchebag doesn't really mean a man filled with douche solution; it doesn't help understanding much. It doesn't define the douchebag.

(While we are being literal, the word scumbag is based on scum originally meaning 'semen' and was a term for a condom. Now of course, we think of 'pond scum' - works just as well to describe that type of man. The word ratbag is: 'rat' plus 'bag' - disease spreading animals associated with dirty environments, but also meaning 'to betray one's friends'. The word wind bag means a person has way too much wind/breath thus allowing them to talk too much. The word bag seems to just get added any time we want to insult people; originally it was an insult for women (i.e. old bag) from bague meaning 'pack, bundle, sack' (C14 Old French), now meaning the container (i.e. the man) holding the scum, wind or rat-ness.)

As with many other insults for men, the term douchebag was originally a derogatory term to imply a man was feminine, just like calling him a pussy, bitch or a faggot. These are words that were all first applied to women, then used to insult a man's masculinity as part of the male 'insult culture' based on viewing women's bodies as an object of contempt.

So, douchebag seemed to start life as an insult for men who failed to conform to gender norms of masculinity (the 'hair-gelling pretty boy'). This meaning was 'effeminate/emasculated'. But now it has changed again, with some definitions including 'too manly' or 'manly but immature'. Someone who appears to be masculine but doesn't get it quite right. I don't know any single word with that meaning.

Maybe douchebag refers to a person we are all very familiar with, but up till now, we have been lacking a specific descriptive word.

I think it's time I gave the word a proper definition based on my experience of douchebaggery at my local. A definition that distinguishes the douchebag from all the other bags I'd rather avoid meeting up with for a drink.

I think only men can be douchebags. Of course, you will find occasional examples of people using the word douchebag to describe women, but they tend to be describing generally 'obnoxious, offensive, contemptible' behaviour - like Dayna Morales being described as a 'douche' for collecting money for charity and keeping most of it. (And, yes, I can see the spelling error.) This is what happens with a definition that is too general; most of those above could be applied to lots of people, without defining anyone, let alone the douchebag.

According to Michael Mark Cohen's interesting article on racial insults, only rich (I'll say affluent), white, hetero-sexist men can be douchebags. It's a good starting point, but it's still not a definition. 

The douchebag is a man who displays the following eight features:

• Constant demonstration of his knowledge
• He cannot pass an opportunity to show off what he knows - he is often smart, with lots of facts and figures in specific content areas, but he doesn't restrict himself to this area; in fact, if you are an expert in a particular topic he is blabbing about, you will usually quickly find out that he doesn't know that much.
• Contemptuous attitude towards others based on his self-inflated idea of how smart he is
• He has a smug superiority/disdain toward others - this comes across to other men as a challenge from a wanna-be alpha male or an entitled and arrogant dismissal
• Toward women this comes across as sexism and a dismissal, which makes the douchebag a bit creepy or a bit of a pathetic joke to most women
• He doesn't understand that admitting you don't know something (humility) is seen as evidence of honesty and self-awareness - awareness that you know understanding the world is really hard and social skills are trickier again, and we're all just getting by most of the time.
• Conviction and confidence out of proportion to his actual knowledge or social status

• He has no awareness of the limits of his knowledge or ability - his is an extreme form of the Dunning-Kruger (DK) effect. The DK research found we all tend to overestimate our knowledge (except the real expert), with the least knowledgeable overrating it the most; the douchebag is not dumb, but his overrating is off the chart - I've added a yellow diamond where the douchebag would sit, along with his 'False Conviction Gap'
• He also has no idea that a false conviction of being right and having superior knowledge is seen very negatively; i.e. an 'unearned status' claim
• For the rest of us, our false conviction tends to get pushed down in conversation as others challenge us if they think we are 'talking shit'. The difference for the douche is he has…
• Firm defences against any challenges to confidence/knowledge
• He is dogmatic and didactic about his rigid views - he deflects any information that might challenge his 'superior' knowledge; the douchebag is unable to discuss a topic, only to pontificate; any direct challenge quickly becomes a stand-off
• He has a strong sense of entitlement; his key defence is to criticise other people: bosses for being 'against him', men 'friends' for being ignorant or arrogant, women for being nasty, teasing bitches or up-themselves when they reject him.
• Conspicuous use of symbols of manliness, confidence or status

• He deliberately and blatantly displays the symbols of manliness to convince others of his status (and I  wonder, maybe also himself)
• This comes across as a pompous façade or arrogant pretension due to his actual lack of knowledge/ability, or alternatively as pathetic and graceless due to his lack of actual social status
• Interestingly, most memes (particularly US) identify the swaggering, cap on backwards, muscle-bound man as the archetypal douchebag; but I think this misses the point this image is consciously adopted because of its various symbols of hyper-manliness.
• Lots of other symbols also convey a façade of confidence or status: the popped collar, the facts-and-figures-lessons, the aggro tattoo images or characters, sexist-and-nasty jokes, exaggerating sexual conquests (of usually only the most naïve woman), and even the omnipresent briefcase of the 'endless-meetings-very-important-project-but-does-no-actual-work' colleague.
• Limited insight into social graces/modesty and others' perspective
• He is not very skilled socially in terms of conversational turn-taking, allowing time for others, showing interest in others' ideas and feelings, etc
• He has an unfortunate inability to read body language which tends to aggravate and frustrate others, imply he doesn't care about others' feelings, and which also blinds the douchebag to how people feel about him
• This lack of social awareness is similar to the lack of meta-cognitive skill that put the douchebag off the DK chart (above) in being aware of the limits to his knowledge.
• A barely concealed fragility/vulnerability leading to aggression
• He has a deeply repressed (I mean deep!) but nagging sense of not being a real man - his behaviour is self-protective, to stop anyone else finding out
• When the facts of his actual status (job status, popularity, etc) don't match his sense of entitlement and what is due to him, he rationalises this with a story of being badly done by and by blaming others
• When his façade is threatened, the douchebag will resort to aggression - it can flare suddenly when he is challenged by a man or when a woman dismisses his clumsy or inappropriate sexual advances; his aggression is motivated by his fear rather by malice (in contrast to the jerk or the arsehole). 
• And finally, he has no idea that others don't like him, and find his constant knowledge demonstrations, smug and condescending attitude, unearned claims to knowledge and status, rigid posturing, façade of confident masculinity, and lack of social graces all very, very unpleasant and annoying.

It seems to me that the douchebag aspires to a type of confident and combatant masculinity, so he is constantly and conspicuously performing what he thinks a 'real man' is supposed to be. All the while, constantly fearful that someone will find out he is not like that.
Like all men, his masculinity is always open to challenge, but the douchebag aims to preempt the challenge with bravado and false conviction combined with contempt for others.

But then, no one likes him.

Contemptible. Obnoxious. Objectionable. Offensive.

These words from the definitions above refer to how the always-reluctant 'douchebagee' feels when compelled to spend time with him. The douchebag's façade and false confidence is contemptible, his smugness is obnoxious and unpleasant, his assumptions about his social status are overstated and immature and objectionable; and he just doesn't know how to talk to other people without offending them.

Right now, I feel sorry for him. The douchebag seems like a miserable guy.

...

It's Thursday again. Oh no, here comes the douchebag. Again. I forgot my plan to go to the pub down the road.

Yes, in the first ten minute of what doesn't feel anything like a conversation, I see all eight signs:

• Constant demonstration of his knowledge
• Contemptuous attitude to others
• Conviction/confidence out of proportion to his actual knowledge or social status
• Defences against any challenges
• Conspicuous symbols/façade of manliness and social status
• Limited insight into social graces
• Fragility/vulnerability leading to aggression
• No idea that others don't like him because of all of the above.

So, I have a good definition, a definition that distinguishes the douchebag from the scumbag, ratbag, windbag, and a whole pile of other obnoxious and offensive people. 

For these few minutes, I watch his behaviour, without my usual intense feelings of being insulted and aggravated. A brief sociological observation of the douchebag in his local environment.

But I'm not enjoying myself one bit. He stands inappropriately close with his sunglasses still on at 8 pm, condescendingly telling me things I already know and asserting things I know not to be true. I resist responding more than an occasional grunt, because I can't convince this guy of anything. It will only lead to a stand-off or worse. He won't read my non-verbal hints about wanting to leave, and my mates who have just arrived will kill me if I bring him over to their table. I'm looking around for an opportunity to escape without being too overtly rude.

I wish he would stop being such a douchebag, but I know he probably can't.

And next Thursday, I will definitely go down the road.


Images used under Creative Commons Licences

1. Bag with cap: TheBeardedCavalier
2. Medical douche bag: https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=24064
3. Douchebag head: Tara Jacoby
4. Dayna Morales meme: http://2damnfunny.com/douchebag-dayna-shall-be-the-most-famous-douche-of-all-the-memes/
5. DK graph: adapted by me from original by Steven Novella
6. Pinkshirted douchebag: bmillertime00
7. Helps Jessica meme: https://images.app.goo.gl/NrdEDBrJmax7pCGb9 
8. Quit meme: https://me.me/i/you-yes-you-quit-being-a-douchebag-douchebags-dontdoit-11344140

References

1. Any etymology references not linked are also from Etymology Online
2. Kruger, J. and Dunning, D. (2009). Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One's Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments. Psychology, 1, pp 30-46 Published Online December 2009 (http://www.scirp.org/journal/psych).