MYO douchebag

By Mae Wright

Mike Lundy's article Douches and other bags touched on the language practice of using 'bag' added to words to make them an insult about people - a 'human bag' full of whatever unpleasant stuff - douche, wind, scum, rats etc. (I also wonder if it has some link to using old bag or baggage as insult for an older women.)

If adding 'bag' makes an unpleasant substance into an insult, it follows that a bigger bag is a bigger insult. 

Which brings me to the douche satchel!   

Douche satchel from Urban dictionary:

a 'satchel' is a really big bag... of 'douche'. So someone who is a really big douche bag, would be a 'douche satchel' an expletive, used in instances of anger/frustration

That makes sense: some douchebags are very annoying and some are very, very annoying. The more overtly entitled and in-your-face, the more irritating and aggravating, so the larger the bag. I wonder, is this the beginning of douche insults escalating in baggage sizes? The douche backpack, the douche suitcase, the douche ski-bag? (Come to think of it, I'm sure I've dated a few douche ski-bags.)

Well, it so happened that I have been looking for a pattern to make a satchel, and had to eventually make my own to get exactly what I want. 

It was pretty easy to alter it to make it into a douche satchel.

So, here is my Douche Satchel pattern with instructions below. It's made up of Mike's eight components of a douchebag. If you're feeling extra creative, you might like to try making something like my pretentious douchey fabric printed on a medium grade calico (see at the below). 

For those who don't sew, you can still enjoy my instructions for the assembly of that most unpleasant man, the douche satchel!

MYO Douche satchel pattern

MYO Douche satchel instructions

1.  To make the front of the satchel:

a.  Sew the Constant displays of knowledge (piece 1) to the Contemptuous attitude toward others (piece 2) along the centre join

2.  To make the back of the satchel, with pocket and flap:

a.  Cut 2 of Conviction and confidence out of proportion to knowledge (piece 3) out of your contrast fabric, and sew along the top with right sides together. Turn right side out. Top stitch the sewn edge.

b.  Place the double-sided Conviction and confidence (piece 3) over the right side of Firm defences against any challenges (piece 4). Sew along the sides and bottom edges to make a pocket. Reinforce this stitching to ensure the Conviction and confidence stays in place.

c.   Cut 2 of Conspicuous symbols of manliness and status (piece 5) and with right sides together sew along three sides, leaving open one side open to turn the fabric right side out. Top stitch the sewn edges. Attach to the Firm defences (piece 4) by sewing along the long edge, which will then form the flap of Conspicuous symbols, the first thing others will see of your douche satchel.

3.  To make the base of the satchel:

a.  Cut 2 pieces of Fragility and vulnerability leading to aggression (piece 6). Sew along the long edges and turn right side out. Insert something firm to strengthen the base of the douche satchel, perhaps plastic from an old milk plastic bottle or the base of a shopping bag. (Cut to size, making it smaller than the base by 1 cm all around to allow for sewing.) This insert will minimise dents to the base of Fragility, hopefully avoid that sudden aggression.
b.  Along the long edges, sew the base to the bottom edges of both the front and back pieces.

4.  To make the sides and the straps:

a.  Cut 1 piece of the Limited insight into social graces (piece 7) and 1 piece of No idea others don’t like him (piece 8) in your contrast fabric. Place right sides together and sew along long edges. Turn right side out to make your sides and strap. Top stitch the long edges so the strap will sit flat when it’s over your shoulder.

b.  Pin the base of Fragility and vulnerability (piece 6) to your Limited insight and No idea sides and strap at either end, making a loop. Place it on your shoulder to test the length and shorten if necessary.

c.   Sew both ends. Reinforce this stitching for strength.

5.  To assemble (take care not to sew into the straps):

a.  With right sides together, join point A on the front to A on the side. Sew the front piece to the side piece; avoid stitching into the flap. Do the same from point D to sew the back to the side piece. Then stitch from point B and C to the corresponding points.

6.  Turn bag right side out. Add some Velcro to the flap if you wish. Fill the douche satchel with factoids, the correct opinions and some smug superiority and you’re ready to go!

You can download my douche satchel instructions by saving this picture below.

Here's the douchey fabric that I printed; it might provide you some inspiration!

I hope you enjoy your very own douche satchel! You might find mine soon on Etsy. (If only there were still a Regretsy!!)

And I wish you luck avoiding any human douche satchels that you should come across.