Apologetic

By Mike Lundy

When we feel wronged or hurt by someone, an apology can help make amends and go toward restoring the relationship. Sometimes though, what gets offered as an apology falls a long way short.

We may not know exactly what words we want to hear, but we recognise when an apology is not quite right or not sincere. When the other person is not genuinely apologetic, this can add more hurt and damage to the situation.

Why can't some people just apologise?

Some people can't admit any wrongdoing: they fear that an apology might be used against them and they fail to see the other person's point of view. Being unable to apologise is a sign of underlying insecurity. (Of course, some people are just not sorry!) People in public office are notoriously bad in at genuine apologies (and tend to evade the word 'sorry' altogether). Maybe they think a heartfelt apology will open them to more criticism or accusations of wrongdoing.

So not apologising serves a self-protective function for insecure people. And for such people, a whole world of non-apologies is available.

What does it mean to be genuinely apologetic?

The non-apology is common and glaringly obvious. But apart from the sense that a person is not actually saying "sorry", it's not always apparent just what is missing.

The dictionary doesn't help much:

Apologetic: feeling or showing regret, regretfully acknowledging fault or failure. Merriam-Webster

Regret is an unhelpful choice of word as "I regret that I was caught out" is no apology. Likewise, "I regret that you feel hurt" is not much of an apology! Remorse or contrition is a more accurate concept, but on its own, remorse is not enough to make a genuine apology. 

Mistakes happen; we all do the wrong thing sometimes; hurt happens. Being genuinely apologetic is about making amends and moving forward in our relationships.

Apologies are part of life, but they can be scary to give. There is no way  to know for sure whether the person will accept it. Ensuring your apology is genuine improves the odds

The genuine apology Venn diagram

As well as the important words I am sorry, the genuine apology is comprised of three essential components:

• Showing empathy and remorse based on recognising the person's feelings
• Accurately identifying the hurtful actions for which you are sorry
• Taking responsibility for causing the hurt and saying how will you will act differently in the future to avoid more hurt. 

Here's a Venn diagram of how these three components may or may not be present in what gets passed off as an apology. In each of the individual circles and the intersects of any two circles, the diagram shows the various ways people can say "not really sorry". Outside the Venn are the types of things people say when they will not admit they did anything wrong at all. 

So, next time you hear the non-apology "I'm sorry you're upset" from someone who has hurt you, you will know exactly why it sounds so damn irritating!

Click image for larger version