What next?

By Mike Lundy
- avoiding what he really should do next with a flight of fancy on next as a part of speech 

From Toothpaste For Dinner

The books sitting on Reader’s bedside table, on the floor, those in the bookshelves, and the ones on the tablet are all locked in a fierce debate. They bicker and snark at each other as the self-entitled things that books tend to be.

'I should be the next (adjective) book: I am by far the most important and relevant to Reader's current project,' asserts Seven Cheap Things, sitting in the promising prime position on the bedside table. 'There is a deadline to consider.'

'No, I should be the next (pronoun) in line, 'says White Teeth. 'One should always read a novel between non-fiction books. That way, Reader can consolidate all that heavy, ridiculously self-important, so called ‘factual’ information before moving on. Plus, I'm due back at the library in four days; Reader better get started soon.'

'Well, I have been waiting a very, very long time and I just know Reader will love what I have to reveal,' counters Action in Perception.

'Quite clearly, Action, you - of all books - should not be read next (adverb),' the unopened Keynes for beginners and Growth fetish sputter over the top of each other. Growth continues, ‘Reader has moved on to other interests since buying you; see this pile of lovely economics titles next to (preposition) us that look so lovingly dog-eared. No offence, but you are rather esoteric. Reader is interested in economics now, and one of us will more than likely be the next (pronoun).’

'Oh, such dry flat topics, I really cannot understand how some can go through life without dying of their own essentially dullness,' retorts My other life. ‘I am fully expecting to be taken away on holidays next (determiner) week.’

Against Interpretation, never one to hold back, chimes in, 'Well, I think Reader does need to change topics, yes, and no, not to consciousness, sorry Action, because it is definitely time for the challenging concepts that I have.' The chorus is loud and united, 'Nooooo, leave Derrida alone!! We ARE the text.' Against Interpretation doesn't know what to make of that and says nothing further.

A small lull follows while all the texts try to think of something irrefutable to say next (adverb).

Year of Wonders speaks up first, motivated by the indignity of being under so many other books. 'I agree with White Teeth about it being time for a novel for Reader, but I am surely the next (adjective) choice: I have been borrowed from a friend and need to be returned. Otherwise the trust between book owners will be damaged, as Reader is surely aware. It's all well and good Reader exploring economic ideas of trade as trust between humans, while violating a book trade arrangement! And Reader will surely pick a non-fiction to read at the same time; that’s the usual pattern. No need to be so win-lose everyone.'

From English your way

Atonement can barely hear this out before bleating, 'If there’s to be novel, then what about me?!?! I've been recommended twice by the next-door (adjective) neighbour and still not picked up yet.'

Dark Emu murmurs sympathetically at Atonement lying at the back of a pile of paper, almost hidden. ‘I agree a novel probably should be the next (pronoun) in the reading queue. There is an injustice in all this lying around neglected. And the dust is awful. But you would all have to agree, given my ground-breaking information, I really must be read next (adverb).’

Weighty old 12 Rules for Life rumbles self-importantly at everyone, 'Oh fools, Reader might have come to the end of my pages, but there is much yet to be done. See all these notes and annotations. Reader will now go back through these and make sure all the key points are captured; I feel confident that will happen. You are arguing about who is to be the next (pronoun) before Reader has even finished. Not that I am ever really finished,' Rules sighs smugly.

All the other books sit without commenting, dismayed that Rules is probably right. They do know, though, that most of Reader’s notes about Rules are angry scribbles about its errors and disputable logic; as they are not naturally spiteful, they say nothing while looking around uncomfortably.

Except Death of a River Guide, who stares vacantly around, somewhat sated and gloating, having recently taken Reader through a wild emotional journey on the days that Reader didn’t feel up to Rules. Death really doesn't care about which might be the next (adjective) book at all.

In the silence, Silicone complains boldly from the chores box, 'Reading-shmeading! Boss should quit this endless reading and get on with some household chores next (adverb). I mean, have you seen the state of the sealant in the bathroom - all broken and mouldy; it's disgusting.'

The others in the chores box perk up, startled. They've never taken on the books before, assuming there was no point in trying to debate with words. They ponder that Silicone must be really disgusted to overcome the usual reluctance, but they haven't seen the bathroom lately.

The Fly-screen patch feels emboldened. 'Yes, it’s always reading, reading, reading. Boss sits down every night beside the lamp with a book. Next (adjective) minute, Boss is slapping at the insects and scratching at the bites. So frustrating to watch; I could end all this with half an hour’s work.'

'Insects! Bah!!' retorts Kill Rust. Boss will be dealing with more than insects if I'm not the next (pronoun) in priority. Otherwise the window surrounds will be beyond repair. I feel like I'm rusting myself sitting here so long.'

Modem speaks with its usual superior tone, undaunted by still being in its packaging, 'Well I can see why Boss can't be bothered to get around to all of you chores; you are just so, so tedious really. And essentially invisible once you are done. But me, I make a difference. I am the future. The old model is giving the whole family grief, but Boss just swears at it. If I’m not installed by next (determiner) week, I predict the old model will just fail entirely!’

More silence greets this rant. The things in the chores box stare out at the books, wondering who might next (adverb) dare to speak. The books all gape at the upstarts in the chores box. Motivations previously unknown to them have been expressed, and the world looks a little different now.

But the quiet doesn't last long.

Self-absorbed as ever, Naked Lunch shouts, 'No I am the next (pronoun) in line, I have to be the next (adjective) book! Next to (preposition) my revelations, you are just all so pedestrian. It's got to be me, me, me! I am so sure, when Reader next (adverb) picks up a book, it will be me!! You’ll see, by next (determiner) weekend at the latest!'

‘Oh, Naked Lunch, no! So many words, so little to say!’ moan all the other books.

Atonement whispers urgently, 'Sorry everyone, we need to be quiet; here comes Reader. Now we will finally see who is next (adverb).'

Reader walks into the room and lies on the bed. And the next (adjective) thing they all hear is the sound of snoring.

Sources for images

1. I'm so adjective, I verb nouns cartoon from Toothpaste for Breakfast. Only the original version from 2006 is still on the TFB site at http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/index.php?date=091706  This version, originally by TFB, now only found on Pinterest

2. 10 Parts of speech table taken from https://englishyourway.com.br/parts-of-speech/